Bad Kitty!

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This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard—if you could get them to write . . . although it is hard to hold a pen with a paw . . .

  • Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices and the phone cord are not food.
  • I will not jump on the kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 a.m., bed at night, TV
  • I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
  • I will not sharpen my claws on the sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper or window screen.
  • I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes or bathtub.
  • I will not climb the screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees or walls.
  • I will not dunk tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants or half-digested food into my water dish.
  • I will not hide pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.
  • I recognize that the fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant and human's toes have a right to exist.
  • Night time is a good time to *sleep*.
  • The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.
  • I will not try to climb into the Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer or dishwasher.
  • Chocolate, bananas and pizza are not cat food.
  • The oven, the pot (not hot) on the stove, the dishwasher, the sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, the piano strings and mommy's sock drawer are not cat beds.
  • The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons, toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening on the kitchen counter, and Q-tips are neither toys nor prey...
  • My human's penis is NOT a toy.
  • Wastebaskets do not have toys in them.
  • The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.
  • My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
  • I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
  • I will not track kitty litter all over the apartment.
  • I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
  • I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
  • I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
  • I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not as a target of guerrilla attacks.
  • I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes you have in the basement.
  • I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
  • The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
  • I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
  • I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
  • Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
  • The dog food belongs to the dog.
  • Mummy's face is not a pillow.
  • Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
  • Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
  • Mummy's students' papers are not prey. (silly students... they want to know why they get teeth marks back with their comments...)
  • I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.

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