How To Give Your Cat A Pill

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  1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks while holding the pill in your right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill into the mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle the cat in your left arm and repeat Step #1.
  3. Retrieve the cat from under the bed, and throw away the soggy pill.
  4. Take a new pill from its foil wrap, cradle the cat in your left arm holding its rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force the cat's jaws open and push the pill to back of its mouth with your right forefinger. Hold its mouth shut for a count of 10.
  5. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and pull the cat down from the top of the refrigerator. Call your spouse in from the garden to help you.
  6. Kneel on floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees. Hold both front and rear paws. Ignore the low growls emitted by cat. Get your spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into its mouth. Using the ruler as a "slide" drop the pill down into the back of the cat's mouth and rub the cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve the cat from atop the curtain rod, then get another pill from its foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep the pieces of shattered figurines and vases from the fireplace hearth and set them to one side to glue together later.
  8. Wrap the cat in a large towel and get your spouse to lie on the cat with just its head visible. Put the pill in the end of a drinking straw. Force the cat's mouth open with a pencil, place the tip of the straw into its mouth and blow hard.
  9. Check the label to make sure that the pill not harmful to humans. Drink a glass of beer to take the taste away. Apply a Band-Aid to your spouse's forearm and remove the blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve the cat from the neighbor's roof. Open another beer. Get another pill. Place the cat in a cupboard and close the door gently onto its neck, leaving just the head showing. Force the cat's mouth open with a dessert spoon. Flick the pill down the throat with an elastic band.
  11. Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your medical records for the date of your last tetanus shot. Throw your shredded T-shirt away and fetch a new one from bedroom.
  12. Call the local firefighters to retrieve the cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed his car into his fence while swerving to avoid your cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.
  13. Tie the cat's front paws to its rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to the leg of the dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the cat's mouth followed by a tasty piece of steak. Hold the cat's head vertically and pour a cup of water into its mouth to wash the pill down.
  14. Finish another beer. Get your spouse to drive you to Emergency. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes the pill remnants from your right eye. Call the furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
  15. Make an appointment with the cat's veterinarian to arrange for regular medication...

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

  1. Wrap it in bacon.

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