Dateline: St. Andrews, Scotland
Although few people are aware of the fact, cats are avid golfers and have been since the game's inception. After all, it is a game ideally suited to cats because it requires a high degree of muscular coordination, patience, and serves no useful purpose.
Traditionally, cats have been rather casual about establishing a formal protocol governing rules of play, but, recently, in order to facilitate the setting of handicaps, the Directors of the Cats Royal Academy for Golf (CRAG) met at St. Andrews, Scotland, to correct this oversight.
Although discussion was spirited and often heated, the following set of rules was adopted:
- Every drive is a practice drive until you get one you like.
- Since trees are cats' first line of defense against dogs, they must be treated gently. Therefore, if your ball lands behind a tree, it may be moved without penalty to avoid hitting the tree and damaging it on your next shot.
- Birds, squirrels, and rabbits on the golf course may be considered distractions and dubbed shots may be repeated without penalty.
- Sand traps may be used as litter pans since most golf courses don't normally have rest-rooms for cats.
- If your ball should land in a sand trap, it may be removed without penalty. After all, who wants to hit a ball out of a litter pan.
- It is always permissible to improve your lie because cats are great believers in self-improvement.
- Any ball within the general vicinity of the green may be moved to the green without bothering to chip since most chipping is just a waste of time and seldom accomplishes its purpose.
- Regardless of the position of the ball after the first putt, the second putt is a gimme.
- Your final score may be adjusted downward, provided it is done discreetly.
If cats follow these "rules of play" strictly, they will find that they will be playing by the same rules used by most amateur golfers.