The Taurus Cat

by Betty Sleep
Carraig Birmans


April 20 - May 20:

Taurus- Bumble Be Ware

Planet: Venus, shining over love and harmony

The Taurus cat is born with three extra invisible feet, which is the only explanation for their unfailing ability to trip, fall, knock over and generally destroy everything he comes in contact with. Taurus is the one who dashes under your feet, only to get their tail shut in a door. A Taurus has reportedly nearly drowned by putting his foot on the edge of a water dish while getting a drink, thus taking a direct hit with the contents. It is possible that the extra legs become visible after dark, causing a visual cognitive disability, since a Taurus can go silent and softly padding during the day, and turn into a stampeding mammoth at night, prompting the people in the apartment downstairs to thump the ceiling with a baseball bat.

Taurus has a simple and implicit faith in the power of man. It will sit in the dishpan after you turn off the dripping tap, and still be there hours later, waiting for you to turn it back on. This is the cat who cannot fathom the reason for your perturbed demeanor, when he crawls off the black suit laid out for your dinner date. (white Taurus + black suit, black Taurus + white dress, etc.)

PREY: Whatever disgusting thing has been left in the corner of the windows because of shoddy housekeeping.

RECREATION: Meticulously drawing out one single strand from your best cashmere sweater, then wandering off for a half hour ramble of the house, with the wool caught in a claw.

DINING: Whatever is spilled on the floor when he leaps enthusiastically up your legs and clings, and you are wearing shorts.

MUSIC: “What’s New, Pussycat?” (He won’t know the answer.)

SLEEPING: A half inch from the edge of whatever is handy, so that he falls off sooner than later, and sits there looking wounded and accusing.

COMPANIONS: Guppies. What other creature hovers motionless with their mouths open, going “Duh!”

ACCEPTABLE HUMANS: Forrest Gump, Barney Fife

NAMES: Aristotle, Caesar, Alexander the Great, anything in direct disproportion to their ability to live up to it.

INTERACTION: Will jump seemingly impossible distance from kitchen cupboard to kitchen table, in order to knock your coffee into your lap, and gaze adoringly into your eyes while sitting in the mashed potatoes.

PREVIOUS EXISTENCE: Spare hat for Daniel Boone. (Many Taurus are tabbies).

MOTTO: " Si non in piecieum, wreckitum." - If it isn't broken, remedy that immediately.


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