The Aries Cat

by Betty Sleep
Carraig Birmans

Published March 2006

March 21 - April 19:

ARIES- Genghis Khan’t top this!
Planet: Mars, from whence the war cries come

Known far and wide as the cat who could...and did! Aries is harder headed than a goat and in a butting contest would knock the goat flying. Once reputed to have been the official cat of the Cosa Nostra, the Aries cat deigns to give warning of his nefarious intent, since one look is usually enough to make even a Great Dane withdraw from the field of battle. Aries is possessive of his territory, which includes his humans, and a radius of 100 miles around their residence with dibs on another half a continent. Historical records show that almost all cats belonging to leaders of the former Soviet Union, were Aries. This should not be taken as an indication that the Aries has no flexibility. They are equally as likely to slap you with the left paw as the right, and will settle for either half of the bed. While often rumored that Hannibal, Napoleon and General George F. Patton took cats into battle so they could pattern troop moves after the cats’, this has never been proven. However, clothing belonging to these men showed evidence of cat hairs.

PREY: Anything with less than 100 legs or 16 large tires.

RECREATION: Slashing the car tires with claws when the grocery download reveals that you have bought cat food instead of steak.


MUSIC: “I Am Cat, Hear Me Roar”, by Helen Ruddy Abyssinian

SLEEPING: On your bed, on your pillow, on you.

COMPANIONS: Pit bulls pale by comparison. Get your Aries an alligator.

ACCEPTABLE HUMANS: Boris Karloff, Quasimodo, the Phantom of the Opera

NAMES: Bruiser, Spike, Killer, Snookums(an unfortunate choice which brings out the worst in an Aries.)

INTERACTION: Aries has been known to insert himself into any lap he desires, no matter where the human body is seated. He/she may then place the front paws on your chest and stare deeply into your eyes, with the intent of telecommunicating the message “I adore you. Be grateful.”

PREVIOUS EXISTENCE: Personal trainer to the lions at the Roman Coliseum.

MOTTO: “Te es mi. E todo es det.” This is mine, and so is everything else.

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