The Scorpio Cat

by Betty Sleep
Carraig Birmans

October 24 - November 21

Mars and Pluto: the planets of force and magnetism
(as demonstrated by how well their hair clings to clothing)

Even if you do not know your cat's exact birth date, you will recognize the Scorpio by his "full speed ahead" attitude. Whether it is a flying leap from the hallway into a full tub of water in the bathroom, or a flying squirrel imitation from the top of the curtains, if your heart is in your throat, your cat is a Scorpio.

Scorpio is the James Bond of the cat world. Daring, dashing, and traveling wherever his whims take him. While mostly dark in colour, some will, like the inimitable Bond, sport white on the chest of their black, like a tuxedo. Scorpio will swagger about the neighborhood with an eye to every opportunity that presents itself, whether it is the neighbor on the left's unattended goldfish pond, or the neighbor on the right's unattended Golden Persian. Scorpios are known for their precocious and early maturity, making a visit to the vet mandatory at the very earliest possible moment.

The Scorpio cat is sensuous to the extreme, lying on their backs like a Thanksgiving turkey, legs aloft and purring in total ecstasy. Self-interest is their only interest, extending itself to the food of others, the comfort of others (which should be theirs), and the attention which they claim as all theirs.

Intensely jealous of the humans they own, a Scorpio whose human offers attention to another cat (even of the same sign) is likely to suffer swift and immediate retribution to their pantyhose, socks, gardens, curtains, dinner late, etc. Scorpios being dark of coloring are also assumed to be dark of nature, pinning them with the name of a true Halloween cat. Check when your Scorpio is sleeping, and if the upper incisors extend over the lower lip, then perhaps you might add garlic to your diet.

Yes, Scorpio does have a tendency to attack things invisible to humans, and to leap into the air as if the devil himself were behind him (guilty conscience, perhaps?), but this does not mean he is responsible for every incident of mayhem in your neighborhood. Demonstrate his gentle nature to the nice policemen who come looking for him, by draping his bulk over your shoulder and letting him drool down your back. This couldn't possibly be the bird/squirrel/other species murderer they are seeking, could it?

PREY: Human fingers that do not pet it, Halloween streamers/web/spiders, etc.

RECREATION: Pretending to be a statue until you walk by it, when they leap three feet into the air.

DINING: Anything feathered, including boas and hats. No garlic. Black pudding.

MUSIC: King of the Road, I Did It My Way

SLEEPING: During the day, in a sunny window, the picture of innocence.

COMPANIONS: Donald Trump, Roger Moore, Conrad Black

ACCEPTABLE HUMANS: Bill Clinton, Spanky and our Gang, Dennis the Menace

NAMES: Butch, Indiana Jones, Boss, WhoMe

INTERACTION: Door opens, Scorpio achieves jet propulsion in .02 seconds. Defying the laws of gravity and speed of light by snagging food dropped from table before it hits floor.

PREVIOUS EXISTENCE: Lawrence of Arabia, Wrong Way Corrigan

MOTTO: "E este incredibluu gorgeatus, y E kingii. Tus no es. Perta tu possibla mi touche ifa tu es mira, mira bene." I am incredibly good looking and I rule. You do not. But I will let you touch me if you are very, very good.

Your cat can be a star!

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