The Virgo Cat

by Betty Sleep
Carraig Birmans

August 23-September 22

VIRGO - Sterilize your hands before you touch me!

Planet: Mercury- the planetary motherboard of communication

For Virgos, cleanliness is next to godliness, and they ARE God. Virgos have no intention of getting the most microscopic speck of dirt on their fur, and often spend hours searching out any possible occurrences. Even if they are jet black, (most Virgos are 90% white fur) they will lick, pry and nose out that very infinitesimal crumb of Doritos that floated down from the coffee table, because of your shoddy housekeeping. Virgo the snob, is not for the human slob. If you can’t bounce a dime off your bed sheets, if you can’t see your reflection (without bifocals) in the bathroom taps, if a morning stroll across your dresser leaves a trail of delicate paw prints, you will never have and hold, through better or worse, for richer or poorer- a Virgo cat. Most Virgos live in upscale neighbourhoods where the domiciles are discreetly priced at no less than $100,000 and there is at least one Bentley and/or Rolls in the three car garage. Pools are filled to within three inches of the top, to facilitate poolside paw washing before hors d’ouevres are served.

If you think Virgos are obsessive about cleanliness- you’re right. A misstep into a drop of water can result in ten minutes of paw shaking, and another twenty of washing, in order to remove the contaminating substance. These cats will spend literally hours, usually in the middle of the night, scratching at the sides of their commode (and any wall or item within reach), in order to make sure that you know they have made a deposit, and you are required to come and remove it. Virgos often toilet train themselves, learning to flush and leave the lid down.

But it is not only their own cleanliness that concerns them. Virgos will often sit on the side of the tub while you are bathing, careful not to come in contact with any substance that might mar, dampen or otherwise blemish their perfection. Their obelisk like stare can be quite unnerving, and is turned upon human subjects for such infractions as - “What? Not behind the ears?” “You mean you think the dirt is gone? Have I got news for you, Pigpen.”

While you sweat and toil on your hands and knees, scrubbing the family floors, you are likely to run into an immovable furry obstruction, whose cold, unblinking eyes say “You missed a dime sized spot under the fridge.”

Virgos will primp, smooth, and otherwise ready themselves for formal portraits, day and night. They are also famous for their uncanny ability to choose the most breathtaking settings and poses, such as on top of the piano, backlit against lace curtains. Of course, when you return with the camera, they are gone.

Along with a Virgo’s obsession for cleanliness come other regimented behavioral traits. They will wait for you inside the door to return from work, and when you do, glance up at the clock with a “Thirty seconds late, AGAIN?” look.(Virgos appreciate a cat sized Rolex for Christmas.) When you remove the laundry from the dryer, they will stare you down without compunction until you put all the wrinkled stuff into the basket for ironing. If you put their food dish down two inches off where it *should* be, they will stare at it, as if they were possessed of levitation abilities. It will of course move, when you come slinking back to do it. Virgos are so finicky, that if you are a breeder, and have a queen of this sign, you will find her with a checklist and the computer bookmarked to the pedigree list of their breed, so they can interview potential suitors. As a whole, the Virgo cat is a pet who will make you toe the line. And you had darn well better be wearing clean socks when you do!

PREY: Anything vacuum sealed, canned, or frozen after being sterilized at least twice.

RECREATION: Watching reruns of Martha Stewart and counting how many times she has dripped or otherwise spilled something. This is not a good thing.

DINING: If they could manage an eight-piece silverware setting, they would. But they will settle for petite bites of whatever they currently accept as their due diet.

MUSIC: I’m Gonna Wash That Stain Right Outta My Fur

SLEEPING: Goose down pillow encased in pure white Irish linen slip. Laundered daily.

COMPANIONS: Leona Helmsley, Mr. Clean, Queen Mary, and polar bears, envied for their ability to stay so white.

ACCEPTABLE HUMANS: Surgeons, after they’ve scrubbed. Anyone who owns a sterilizer for anything. The makers of Javex, Whisk, and Didi Seven.

NAMES: SnowWhite, Prince S.O.S; Blanche (inspired by Cat On A Hot, But Clean, Tin Roof)

INTERACTION: Washing hands and paws together, doing the dishes (you wash, they supervise), vacuuming, (you push, they point out the gaps in your passes), fine art restoration. (Virgo cats recently aided in the restoration of the Sistine Chapel.)

PREVIOUS EXISTENCE: Time management executive for Microsoft.

MOTTO: “Remaindii digitus en mi furribus, et tu morteus.” - Leave a fingerprint on my fur and you die.

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